Parent dating after death
I don’t know anyone who would have been comfortable sleeping there. We all mourned, of course, but his was the primary loss: fresh and immediate. He’s young, he’s a great guy, he has decades of experience being an excellent husband; and, perhaps most important, he’s lonely. And yet…every piece of this process feels like another step toward us all putting Mom…in the past. Why does getting rid of feel like another little death? I’m terrified of what happens when her husband, her most cherished possession, belongs to someone else.came through the house — the house that had been so quiet in the days leading up to her death, when she was, at last, mostly just sleeping. He had lived with her every day, for so many years, and now he was alone in the house. He was in his twenties when he and Mom got together, and he’s a twin: he’s really never been solo. First there were her clothes and other belongings to sort through. What happens when another woman occupies Mom’s house with him — or if he sells the house and moves away?Then, confused and ill and on so many medications, she’d forget to whistle for us, and would try to get up on her own.After she fell several times, we urged her more strongly into the hospital bed, which of course she hated.When one parent dies and the remaining parent begins dating someone else, it can be very hard for the adult child to accept, no matter how soon after the death it occurs.Partly that is because you may be feeling a need to remain loyal to your father and respectful of his memory, and you may be worried that your mother will cease to remember and love this irreplaceable person you both have lost.Unless our mothers had been alone for a long time before the death of our fathers, we tended to see them as part of a unit, as teamed with our fathers (or stepfathers or partners) in their roles as our mothers, not as women.Now fate conspires to show us the other faces of our mothers, and makes this time full of discovery for us both.
Your community library or your local mental health association will have good grief counseling referral lists, or you can use the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory to call your local hospital or hospice.I don’t know how long your parents were married, how close they were to each other, or anything else about their relationship, but I do know that however your mother reacts to your father’s death depends on many, many different factors, some of which you may not even be aware of. We knew them as our mothers, not as fellow adults who raised us, who worked in the house or out to keep a family together.In her insightful book Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads, author Clea Simon observes that daughters of the newly widowed sometimes have trouble “balancing the real vulnerability of our newly single mothers with respect for them as adults.” She goes on to say that: Accepting and encouraging our mothers’ independence can be awkward for us . We do not usually picture them as women like ourselves, as partners enjoying or leaving relationships, as people like us who have lived with the mixed consequences of their actions. Equally fortunately, everyone stayed cooperative and cordial during the split-up, joint child-rearing, and beyond. She and my stepdad were like swans: mated for life. They shared an email address and a Facebook account, and a lovely house with only one bathroom. I remember them being married, but there’s a part of me that can’t quite believe it. Fortunately for everyone, they found much, much better matches after they divorced. It’s really hard to think of Mom in the past tense.
I get so upset that it takes me an hour to get over a call from her. She will cry when we talk about Dad but yet is able to be with this other man. My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your father, and my heart goes out to you.