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I was living in New York City with a boyfriend I'll call Matt when I was diagnosed with HIV. It was my first steady, long-term relationship, and we did what I used to think of as "grown-up" things.
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grown up, because I had never even been tested for HIV at my yearly checkup at Planned Parenthood, where I went for primary care.
Taking care of your health is more adult than playing house with a boyfriend, yet, even though I had been tested for STIs, I had never thought of getting an HIV test.
The only bad thing about breaking up with Matt was the realization that I would have to start dating again.
But when you're the kind of person who equates dating with dinners, drinks, and casual sex, HIV can put a real damper on all that. Not only was I still trying to figure out what living with HIV meant, I couldn't just do that whole "put on your high heels and get back out there" thing that most newly single people do.
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Like having Sunday football parties or fighting in Home Depot about what color to paint an accent wall in our living room.
We made complex weekday dinners to distract ourselves from the fact that we were both pretty bored with each other.
The positive result almost didn't compute at first.
I kept asking the nurse who took me upstairs at the Margaret Sanger Center in the East Village for a second blood test to confirm the rapid test result.
I naively thought I was invincible, that one day a hookup would lead to true Disney princess-style love, and never assumed that HIV would have anything to do with my life.